


ok! cupid (Shuhei x Reader)

by Amizore



Category: Bleach
Genre: Cupid is a sneaky boi, F/M, Poor Life Choices, Shuhei not Shuuhei
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:15:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23877538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amizore/pseuds/Amizore
Summary: There he was, coming home from the worst date of his life, miserable. Remorseful. And there that stranger was, a pompous, pink-haired man with a bag of heart shaped arrows slung over his winged shoulders, casually lounging on Shuhei's couch."Who are you and what are you doing in the middle of my living room?" Shuhei demanded. The night could get worse, after all.The man smiled devilishly, "I am Cupid, the bringer of love, and the maker of matches...which brings me to my purpose here. My boy, I am here for one reason and one reason only. I am going to get you laid."
Relationships: Hisagi Shuuhei x Reader
Comments: 6
Kudos: 11





	ok! cupid (Shuhei x Reader)

THUD! 

Shuhei slammed the door shut, unceremoniously marching into his kitchen to prepare some tea for his disheartened...well...heart. Fatigue and embarrassment flooded his very core, the memories of the night's events swimming into the cage of his mind. Relentless. Shuhei had made a fool of himself. Again. The image of her horrified face persisted to torment him as he rummaged his cupboard for a bag of Darjeeling. His fingers trembled in fear, and he knew that nothing could save himself now, not even a hearty cup of tea. There was no procedure that he could follow, no solution that he could find, no way he could erase away his guilt.

It was supposed to have been an idyllic rendezvous.

_[Y/N] yelped in surprise as the beer flew from his careless hands and into her lap. 'This is fine. This is fine.'[Y/N] thought, 'He's just stressed from all the paperwork and magazine deadlines...and.....is he asleep?' [Y/N] sighed at the sight of Shuhei toppled over, gently snoring and slobbering all over the tabletop. In his unconscious state, he looked quite at peace, a faint blush painting his cheeks. She looked at him for awhile, in awe at how cute and vulnerable he was. She had a sudden urge to reach over and pat that midnight blue mane of his, but her logic got to the better of her. 'How often does he get knocked out like that? I know he goes drinking once in awhile with Renji-san and Kira-san...but he usually isn't like this. Perhaps he's too nervous? Am I making him nervous? I should leave him be, he looks so serene...' [Y/N] rose from her seat, and promptly paid for their drinks. She left the bar, her, muddled with various thoughts.  
'I guess it's not meant to be? But then again, I've waited so eagerly for this date...was my heart misled, after all? Am I thinking too much?' Questions swarm through her head, as she tried to make light of the situation. Little did she know that it was merely the start of a treacherous night. _

There it was! The last bag of the Darjeeling, stacked precariously in the corner of his tea stash. Shuhei set the water to a boil on the stove, nearly burning himself in the process. This usually didn't happen. Usually, Shuhei was a mastermind in the kitchen. However, it seemed as if his sudden clumsiness took over his once graceful movements. Even his culinary skills have failed him tonight. First it was the beer, and then there was the incident, and now it was the stove. Shuhei clenched his fists in agony, as the memories of that night washed over him. He had recklessly spilled his sake on her, before immediately falling asleep afterwards. What if he left the impression that her company bored him? What if she'll never talk to him again? In hindsight, Shuhei should have stayed asleep in the pub. Yet, he persisted.

That had been a mistake. 

_"[Y/N], wait!!" He ran after her, adrenaline coursing through his veins. He thought of numerous way to apologize for his atypical behavior, but nothing seemed fit. After all, what **could** he do? How could he make up his colossal failure? He had been anticipating this day throughout the entirety of the last two weeks. It was all that he could think about and all that he could dream about. 'Love,' he noted, 'is quite similar to the plague.' Love was an infectious beast, and there was nothing he could do to relieve the feelings that he held for her. Then again, it wasn't as if he disliked them. Rather, he wholeheartedly indulged in that desire of wanting to be with [Y/N]. Suddenly, he had an epiphany. Shuhei could take her to the fortune-telling lake. Legend has it that if one were to look into the water, they would see their future reflected back at them. Naturally, Shuhei didn't believe in superstitions like that, but perhaps it was worth a try. It was a good way to end the night on a less devastating note. A good way to make amends. Shuhei stopped in front of her, a bit out of breath from all the liquor he had consumed earlier. However, the night was still young. He was still sober and therefore, still hopeful. _

_She turned around, an unreadable mask on her face. Was it disgust? Annoyance? Disappointment? "I think it's best for you to go home, Shuhei-kun." She said gently. ''Don't strain yourself.''_

_Shuhei's heart panged with guilt. "[Y/N], I'm sorry for this. I don't know what came over me. I acted like a fool. I thought maybe we could take a walk around Giko Lake to -hngh!" Shuhei clutched his throbbing head, as in uneasy feeling settled down in the pit of his stomach. He panicked._

_"Shuhei-kun?" Her voice was full of worry. No, no, no, this can't be happening. This shouldn't be happening, yet...  
"ACK!"  
And in that moment, all hell broke loose. His stomach, nervous and nauseous from the beer and tempura he had consumed, morphed into a nefarious abundance of bile, tunneling their way up his throat...and out of his mouth. Gracelessly, the lieutenant proceeded to do the unthinkable. The unfathomable. The unforgiveable. With the elegance of an constipated ostrich, Hisagi Shuhei, the lauded fukutaicho of the ninth squad, proceeded to projectile vomit._

_All._

_Over._

_Her._

_[e/c] eyes widened in shock, the poor girl unprepared to brace the horror before her. The vomit inched closer, and closer. [Y/N] shut her eyes. 'So this is what a shit show looked like. Or rather, a vomit show.' But she never imagined that she would be the one falling to prey. SPLAT!_

_And there stood [Y/N] [Z/N], the date that he had promised to look after tonight, quivering in his vomit and drenched in beer. [Y/N] looked up, her eyes meeting his. He was rooted to the spot, shaking in pure terror, like a prisoner waiting for his execution. This was the end. Shuhei Hisagi was going to be punished for an eternity in the seventh ring of Hell. [Y/N]'s voice was a dangerous whisper. "Like I said, go home, Shuhei." With that, she vanished. Shunpo'ed herself out of sight, out of mind. Except it was never out of his mind._

_"Yo, 69. Looks like you screwed this one up, didn't ya?" An unfamiliar voice rang out from behind him, nearly making Shuhei drop the pot of tea he was pouring into his cup. Shuhei swiveled around to face the unwelcome guest. He eyed the suspicious stranger in front of him. There he was, coming home from the worst date of his life, miserable. Remorseful. And there that stranger was, a pompous, pink-haired man with a bag of heart shaped arrows slung over his winged shoulders, casually lounging on Shuhei's couch._

_"Who are you and what are you doing in the middle of my living room?" Shuhei demanded. The night could get worse, after all._

_The man smiled devilishly, "I am Cupid, the bringer of love, and the maker of matches...which brings me to my purpose here. My boy, I am here for one reason and one reason only. _I am going to get you laid._ " _

_Shuhei practically chokes on his tea. His face reddening to the color of a tomato, blood threatening to spurt out from his nose. Even his voice was a pitch higher than normal, "I do not require your assistance...to...to...such frivolous things! I can handle my relationships perfectly well by myself, thank you very much!"_

_Cupid let out a deranged chuckle. "Look kid, I tried to be nice and let you handle things on your own, but man! Man! What an incapable child you are! That date was absolutely treacherous!" He proceeded to point an accusing finger at Shuhei. "Believe me when I say this, I have overseen a multitude of disastrous outings, but that little tryst of yours was a downright tragedy! If I could die of embarrassment, I would have right then and there!"_

__

__

_Not only was this man a creep, but apparently he was also a stalker. Shuhei could swear that this Cupid figure was high on something, but he was too busy being ashamed to make accusations of his own. He gritted his teeth. He could feel the heat in his cheeks evaporate into the air. "That was a fluke! it won't happen again, I was just...''  
_

_"So what you're saying is the last three dates you've been on just happened to go to shit? First, it was the chickens wrecking havoc with Rangiku-chan, and then there was the cannonball incident with Momo-chan, and now tonight. You are such a mess, you poor little boy." Shuhei could only feel his face getting redder, hotter, as he recalled the incidents in vivid detail. He is silent, flustered. Defeated. Cupid continued to ramble on, paying Shuhei no mind, "...you are causing so much trouble for me, ya know? Because of you, I'm at the risk of losing my job! Mother Aphrodite told me that she'll take away my arrows and my wings if you don't make that chick your girlfriend!" The blubbering man wailed, before shooting a glare in Shuhei's direction. What was this crazy man rambling on about? However, Cupid's intentions were clear, and Shuhei was not having it.  
_

_  
_

"Good!" Shuhei snapped, "Then you can stop playing matchmaker and get a real job!"  


Cupid scoffed, "You don't get it, you insolent shinigami boy! I am the god of desire and affection, and I will not allow you to look down at me like this. People worship me for what I do! I pride myself in my 99.9% success rate! What do you take pride in boy? Do you take pride in the fact that you've managed to sully all your attempted dates?"  


Shuhei averted his gaze. He had been so convinced, so confident of his affection for [Y/N]. He was certain that there was a spark somewhere, but any hopes of igniting one was drowned in the memories of beer and puke. Cupid let out an audible sigh, "Do not be disheartened boy, for I will aid you in the art of love, of agapi. Tell me boy, are you afraid?"  
Shuhei's eyes flashed in hesitation. Yes, he was afraid. Afraid of being face to face with her again. How could he possibly undo what he had done?  
"It is not about the undoing, but rather, the art of focusing on the future. Fear not, for I will be your mentor. Do we have a deal, boy? I will teach you the contrivance of love, and once you have mastered it, I can finally go back to Olympus."  


_This was a terrible idea. This weird man in front of him was very questionable. Shuhei had only heard rumors of Olympus. After all, he had written an entire article in Sereitei Communications about the possibility of such a realm. After all, if there were gods of death, it wouldn't be so abnormal if there were more to this world. They say that one shouldn't make a deal with a devil, but the devil paled in comparison to the angel that was standing before him. Shuhei warily sipped his tea. He sighed._

_This was going to be one hell of a ride._

**Author's Note:**

> I've had this prompt laying around in my box for quite a long time. Never thought it was going to end up being used like this, but I'm quite proud of the outcome. xD 
> 
> prompt was; he came home from the worst date of his life. sitting in his room is Cupid, getting really drunk and wanting him to know he's the hardest person in history to find a mate for - and the reason he might get fired.


End file.
